"So a common type of difficult behavior can be passive aggressive behavior which both parties know is going on but it doesn't get talked about and it becomes a bigger and bigger problem."
There are 2 different perspectives when approaching the topic of working with difficult people. Either you’re here to learn how to deal with difficult people, or you’re hit with the sudden realization that you are the difficult one. The biggest clue is how many people do you find it difficult to work with? A few or everyone?
In his course Working with Difficult People (2017), Chris Croft suggests that there are 3 varying degrees of difficult people. The 1st level is people who are different. It kind of makes sense as its human nature to prefer “people like us”. Don’t let that be a self-limiting belief or blind spot though. While I haven’t read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, Chris also shared the 4 different control dramas from this book for awareness:
- Different to you
- Incompetent
- Toxic
- Problems with everyone
- Critical
- Selfish
- Liar
- High-maintenance
- Victim
| Control Drama | Opposite | What they do |
| Intimidator | Poor Me | Dominate people and make them feel inferior |
| Interrogator | Aloof | Ask questions that are borderline aggressive |
| Aloof | Interrogator | Act distant and hide what they really think |
| Poor Me | Intimidator | Use guilt or pity to manipulate people |
Do you often hear the phrase: he/she/they made me feel. Or do you yourself say this all the time? While I haven’t successfully quit this habit 100%, I am very aware that the correct narrative is “I chose to feel/react”. Let’s pause here for a moment.
"It takes a big person, not a weak one, to think: Does this really matter? And then rise above it and ignore it."
Do you not agree that it’s easier to lay blame vs taking on the challenge to change? Yet it’s only through change that we can grow into a better version of ourselves? It takes great inner strength to live with aggressive people, as seen from the techniques shared by Chris:
- Practice detachment. Don’t let their behavior make you feel bad about yourself.
- Resist caving in or being aggressive back. Practice fogging.
- Take time out. Walk away with a foggy statement. Revisit later.
Perhaps 长痛不如短痛, 鼓起勇气, consider the following steps to influence/change aggressive behavior instead:
- Point out their behavior, and explain how you’d like to work instead
- Chris’s 4 steps process
- I understand
- I feel
- I want
- Is that OK?
- Highlight the habit instead of the incident e.g. you have a habit of interrupting me vs can I finish without being interrupted
"Often, the passive people are thinkers and observers, so their views can be very valuable."
It’s the same with negative people. Take the time to listen. Let them know you’re in it together. Bring them over to your side. And leverage on their insights and perspectives where applicable. And if you’re the negative one, here are some tips on how to adjust
Handling Passive-Aggressive People
Overcome the lack of communication channel by:
- Being a great listener
- Give them time to open up
- Use a questioning funnel e.g. start with open questions, then move to probing questions
- Challenge them with: I notice, I interpret, am I right?
- Ask what they want to happen
- Involve them in fixing the problem
Coaching Negative People
- What are their Objectives
- Do they have a Plan
- Any Barriers to objectives
- Benefits after overcoming the barriers
- Is it worth the effort
Conquer your own negative thinking
- Change is possible. Change your behavior by changing your thoughts.
- Change is driven by goals. Have clear goals.
- What do you like doing at work that you’d like to do more of?
- What do you want to achieve at work over the next few years?
- Feel your progress.
- Treat setbacks as learning opportunities.
"Find a way to enjoy your job or find a job you enjoy. But you have to believe in what you're doing."
We’ve all procrastinated before. It could be something we dislike doing. Or we’re afraid of the outcome: judgment/failure. When I was younger, I learnt that there are 2 types of motivators: pull or push factors. Either you’re so inspired by something that you automatically work towards it, or you’ve put it off to a point when it has to be done. The techniques proposed by Chris leans towards the latter:
- Remind them time is scarce
- Set a time limit
- Make it affect them
- Offer to help them, get started
- Agree on a plan
- Tell them about their behavior
- Describe the problem in logical and emotional terms, backed with data
- Agree on a plan together with timeline and milestones
- Ask why they put things off
- Fear of Failure (FoF)
- Fear of People (FoP)
"Once a person realizes that they are a victim or FoF or FoP, they can then start to work on it. They can think logically about how that fear is only making things worse, and that they have to confront it."
Do you like playing games? I do. Though that’s more of a luxury these days. The last game I played was Heroes of the Storm by Blizzard. Short and sweet team games, over in 30mins. Games playing in the real world is a whole different story though. It’s hardly any fun. Especially when you’re on the receiving end. As always, the 1st step is being aware, then deciding whether you want to live with or change these game players:
- Wooden Leg
- Now I've Got You
- Only Trying to Help You
- Yes, But
- Blemish
- Let's You and Them Fight
- Harried
- Kick Me
- Brown Stamp Collectors
How: Player starts as a Victim, switches to Persecutor
Example: You’ve a perfect life, you don’t know what it’s like for me
How: Player starts as a Rescuer, switches to Persecutor
Example: Happy to help anytime. You did what? That’s stupid.
How: Player starts as a Rescuer, switches to Persecutor
Example: I see you got a new phone. Is 256G enough? I would have chosen the 512G.
How: Player acts as a Victim. Eventually converts you from a Rescuer to a Victim
Example: Player asks for advice and responds with “Yes, But <excuse>” to every suggestion
How: Persecutor pretending to be a Rescuer, triggering Let’s You and Them Fight
Example: He’s great. If only he’s more organized.
How: Receiver of Blemish tells on <Player>
Example: Did you hear <Player> said you’re too disorganized
How: Offers to help, using it as an excuse to avoid other work. Switches to Persecutor if the work is too hard.
Example: I can help you with that. Oh I’m too busy helping <Target>. <Target> I had to work all weekend for you.
How: Player acts as a Victim. Criticizes own incompetence. Elicits sympathy.
Example: I’m useless. I’ve done it again.
How: Player acts as a Victim. Moans and complains about the world being unfair.
Example: See what they did to me. It’s so unfair.
- Withdraw: Avoid or walk away
- Live with it comfortably. Let the game bounce off you. Fog e.g. maybe, I don’t really know.
- Stick to the facts and keep emotions out e.g. would you like some help making a plan on how to improve things
- I don’t like it when…
- Have you noticed…?
"I know it's an issue he has. It's nothing to do with me. He plays this game with everyone."
How can we forget about selfish and childish people:
Dealing with Selfish People
- Prove they’re not doing their share. Include facts and feelings e.g. I feel let down
- Get a commitment. Don’t settle for a maybe.
- Set up demarcation lines. Divide role & responsibilities.
- Create a framework that “punishes” selfishness
Handling Childish People
- Analyze the risks
- Decide how to motivate them
- Reward good behavior
- Offer fun incentives
- Create a framework that “punishes” childishness (near real-time)
"The key is not to attack the person, because they are fine, but to focus on the behavior."
Last but not the least, what if the difficult person is your boss?
Problems with Bosses
- Poor communication (due to time constraints): Request for something concrete e.g. quick catch up once a week
- Lack of thanks: Ask how you’re doing and/or regular updates to ensure alignment
- Claim the credit: Publish ahead of your boss
- General unfairness: If you can prove it, consider talking to your boss and start with “I know it’s difficult to give out the jobs fairly but”
- Lack of involvement where bosses decide without you: Request and remind them you’ll like to be involved
- Use insecurity as a weapon
Micromanagers
- Give your boss a detailed plan, to make them feel safer
- Let your boss choose some of the details, give them a sense of control
- Progress along the Freedom Ladder, help saves them time with each step up
- Ask what’s next
- Suggest: Check before acting
- Report daily
- Report weekly
- Report monthly
- Report if behind plan
